Never too Late for Happily Ever After

In our home we have a picture which reads “It’s never too late to live happily ever after.”   We found it this year at Hobby Lobby and it’s a reminder to us that God can make all things new!  

This past spring we hosted a marriage small group in our home.  On the final night we shared the story of our lives together.  And we were pretty transparent!  With very wide eyes one couple asked us how did you two make it through?  We have sat with others who are struggling in their own marriages who have found comfort knowing we are still married after many tough seasons.  

On April 30th, 2005 neither one of us knew what was to come. Most people who get married are longing for that happily ever after!    How many of us truly would like to know what the future holds? We are led to believe that love is enough to get through anything!  The truth is, however, that love is not a feeling it is an action.  Love isn’t butterflies, its a commitment and a choice.   Unfortunately, Hollywood has cultivated a very unrealistic expectation of love.  And society encourages us to do what makes us happy and feels good.  If something gets too difficult or hard … just quit.  Isn’t the grass actually greener on the other side of the pasture?

Honestly, we wouldn’t have wanted to know what the future held because it’s likely neither one of us would have walked down the isle that day. Would you, the reader still get married if you knew you or your spouse would: 

-become terminally ill
-struggle with infertility
-experience the death of a child
-suffer a tragic accident leaving you unable to speak or move
-fall into so much debt you’d go bankrupt
-have an affair
-become addicted to gambling, drugs, pornography, pain pills, alcohol, etc. 

What if your spouse has not been honest with you about his or her past?  Maybe he or she was emotionally, physically or sexually abused and has not shared that with anyone.    The point of this blog is not for us to share all of the details of our story.  What we wish to share are some ways we found healing and hope.  The truth is, no matter what your story looks like there is healing through Jesus Christ.  We believe there is HOPE in all circumstances!

Back to the question that was asked of us during that final small group on marriage: What DID we do to stay married?  So here are some practical answers for you to consider.

1.  First of all , we got honest with God and each other.   This meant all cards had to be laid out on the table.  It also meant sharing feelings and being willing to listen.  In 2 Corinthians 10 it reads , And we destroy every proud thing that raises itself against the knowledge of God.  We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ.  

2.  We sought out Godly counsel from professional counselors.  Not all marriages end up in crisis like ours did.  Some can benefit from a couple of sessions with a trained professional.  But when couples are near the end of their rope, desperate times call for desperate measures!  There comes a point when an intensive, 2-3 day retreat becomes the best option for some couples.  

                                                   theravines.com

3.  Time is another important factor here.  Healing takes time. Unfortunately we live in a culture that creates an expectation of immediate resolution.  The problem with that is deep wounds take time to heal, and some wounds are so deep they may need multiple surgeries to dig out all the infection.  

4.  Be willing to forgive.  Forgiveness is not easy, but when we understand the difference between forgiveness and trust it becomes a bit more simple to wrap our minds around. For example, one main definition of forgiveness is to give up claim to compensation.  In other words, when someone hurts us we release them from the need (in our mind) of doing anything to compensate us for the wrongdoing.  We do not, however allow them to continue hurting us and breaking our trust.  It’s not easy to let go when we have been hurt repeatedly, deeply, over the course of a long time or when we haven't known the truth. This is why trust is earned.  Forgiveness is freely given.  And because this is such a BIG topic we will address it soon in another blog post.

The bottom line is this - Jesus said in Matthew 6:14-15,  “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

5.  Don’t keep reliving the past.  At some point we have to choose to put one foot in front of the other and move forward, focusing on what God can do instead of what we’ve done or what’s been done to us.  Take the opportunity to make new memories.  For example in the summer of 2014 I (Mike) re-did the 12 Days of Christmas for my wife, because I didn’t complete them the Christmas before.  Certain dates may trigger past events.  This has been true for us and we approach those days differently.   In some instances we have waited a few years to do a redo of an event.  Making a new memory has been helpful for us and the healing continues. I (Jen) was recently somewhere with the kids and I took a silly selfie of the kids and I.  It had been a place I would go when I just needed to escape.  Now it holds a silly memory with the kids and me.  

6.  Go do something fun and mindless together even if its just for a short time.  Maybe get an ice cream cone, throw rocks in a lake, grab a cup of coffee.  Don’t make this a time of talking about all of the problems … let it be a time to just be together.    For us to carve out time for just us without the children had to be intentional.  We needed to figure out what “Us” even felt like!

7.  Do something new together.   Set out on an adventure and intentionally create new beginnings.  It maybe taking a day trip somewhere, or taking a cooking class, start watching a new tv series,   For us we started camping because it’s something we didn’t do before.  It was a new adventure and we both had a lot to learn.  Fresh air, campfires, exploring, grilling and nature brought healing to our souls.  

8.  Pray for one another.  This may seem incredibly difficult if not seemingly impossible.  However, God knows our hurt and pain.  Be completely real with Him.  Truly amazing things happen within your heart and mind when you completely surrender to God.  He can make the most impossible of circumstances and turn into something one never imagined could exist.   Your prayers can be as simple as,  God I am so hurt right now and angry.  Help me see him or her like you do.   

9.  Pray Together.  This step may take time.  To be in a place with one another to even feel comfortable doing this is not something that happens right away.   If you can get there, praying together does not need to be some long drawn out event.  I remember when Mike and I started doing this my prayers were God help us.  The truth is our marriage would not even be a reality if God was not in it.   Praying with one another is one of the best ways to connect with your spouse. 

10. Be careful what you share with your friends and others.  Everyone will have their opinions and offer advice.  People may seem to be genuinely sympathetic but often times people are simply nosey.  Gossip is a very ugly problem and contributes to so much heartache.   This is your marriage and ultimately it’s between you, your spouse and God. It is a sacred space, even if it has been deeply damaged and seems beyond repair.  There is no reason to let just anyone in.  Putting up boundaries is very important.  There are most certainly circumstances where the public may have some information but they never know the whole story. I found (Jen) I needed to quiet the noise of people and listen to God.  I also found out that God intentionally put people near me when I needed it.  He knew who could speak a word, who was trustworthy, who genuinely was interested in my healing.  Jesus only had a few close friends, those who he could really trust.  

11.  Spend time with God -  Quiet yourself, be still and listen.  No person will ever satisfy your needs.  Relationships with people cannot do that for us. Only God can do that.  Our ultimate healing happens when we turn to Him.    This is the one thing which gave strength and fulfillment.  It opened doors for restoration in our marriage which we know never would have happened otherwise.  

One of our theme verses has been Romans 8:28.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose.  

This verse has proven itself true over and over again in our lives.  We have a sign for it displayed on our great room wall. 

I love what Christine Caine from A21 says, “The very thing that was meant to destroy you can be used by God to catapult you into your destiny! “  

We can honestly say our marriage is stronger than it has ever been.  There is no doubt in our minds Satan wants to destroy us.  We are still fighting through things and we always will.  Looking back on parts of our life, seeing where we have been helps us see how God’s fingerprints are all over it.   God has done something only he could do with us!   

God held us and He can hold you too.  Let Him into your mess!  He already knows all of it.   We are living proof that it is Never Too Late to Live Happily Ever After.