Infertility...I Thank You

For some of you this title may be a surprise, but I am very sincere when I say I am thankful for infertility.  And for those who are experiencing the pain and anguish that goes with infertility please don't think I am being insensitive to what you are going through.  

My husband and I battled infertility for many years.  I would love to tell you we battled together but that wasn’t really the case.  We started our infertility journey in very different places.  I had desperately longed to be a mom and was willing to contemplate many different scenarios for building a family.  My husband very much wanted to be a father and he was certain he could pray me pregnant. I do believe God is all powerful and could most certainly bless us with a child naturally.  I still pray for that! Yet at the time there was something in me which sensed that may not possibly be His Plan for us right now.

So while I wanted to get the fertility testing done my husband was resistant.  This was a journey we were on together yet it seemed as if we were walking along different roads.  This meant waiting and I had already been waiting for years.

I was constantly searching through adoption websites gathering as much information as I could get.  I remember looking at other couples’ profiles who were hoping to be selected by a birth mother in hopes of being chosen.    I read many of their stories with tears streaming down my face.  It was the only connection I had during this season to people in similar circumstances.  I had not shared my desperate desire to start a family with anyone.  I had isolated myself from the world.   Even Mike was tired of my efforts and what he perceived to be my baby obsession.

Then right around my birthday I had a meltdown!  Mike and I told my parents we had been trying to get pregnant and things were not working out.  It was quite an awkward conversation as my parents proceeded to tell us HOW they got pregnant.  LOL!  Its rather funny now but at the time I was mortified.  Needless to say, Mike was uncomfortable because who wants to talk with their in laws about sex!  Yet this was the pivotable point because Michael was willing to have us start the fertility testing process.

I’ll never forgot the day he called my classroom in tears with results of some of the tests.  My heart ached as we continued on.  We went to the best fertility clinic in the region and the Doctor told us his plan of action.  After the appointment Mike and I both sensed in our spirit God had a different plan for our family building.

After speaking with Bethany Christian services we journeyed into the adventure and incredible process of being selected by donors who had remaining embroyos from their IVF cycle.  Their family was complete after having twin daughters and they wanted the rest of their embroyos to have a chance at life.  After many tests, a homestudy, working with an adoption agency and an intermediary counselor we were matched with 9 blastocycts which had been frozen for 14 years!   

During our transfer 5 blastocycts were thawed and three survived.  Three little embryos were transferred.  We were blessed double with our twins in July 2010.  We had been married for over five years and we were delighted to be parents!  Our sweet little sons came into the world very very early and are mighty miracles.   That will be it’s own blog post entitled Why I am grateful to be a Preemie Mama!

Why am I grateful for infertility?

First and foremost ....Had I not faced infertility I would not be the mother to Jack, Landon or Reagan.  They are absolutely amazing and they came to be in a way I never would have imagined.  We built our family through embroyo donation!  Michael and I are not genetically linked to our children ,however, there isn’t a doubt in our mind that God destined them to be Quimbys!  

Had I not faced infertility I would have never known that there are more than 500,000 embroyos cryoperserved.  This is absolutly amazing to me!  So many little possibilities waiting for their chance:)  I am so incredibly grateful to families who donate their remaining embryos to families who have faced a diagnosis of infertility. Never in my mind could I have imagined becoming a mommy to embroyos who were frozen for 14 or 16 years!  Absolutely Awesome ... these little ones waited a LONG time for me to be their mama!

Had I not faced infertility I would not have met some incredibly amazing doctors.  Dr. Jeffrey Keenan and Carol Sommerfelt at the National Embryo Donation Center (NEDC) were involved in our transfers. I remember before our second transfer Carol came in with tears in her eyes when the first vial of embroyos thawed.  She knew we had been praying.  Having your embroyologist so incredibly invested with her patients is such a blessing!  I also had quite a crew of doctors, nurses, ultrasound technicians, pharamcists and secretaries helping me along the way.  God showed up in so many ways letting us know He was with us! These people have all become like angels here on Earth who rode this rollercoaster ride with us.  

I am grateful for infertility because I have learned to think in different ways. It was such a process, very stressful at times and I was stretched in ways I had no idea were possible.  When we experience circumstances we have never encountered we also become aware of opportunites we never knew exsisted.  We learn a lot about ourselves!

I am grateful for infertility because I appreciate everything about our children! I can honestly say I celebrated every single dirty diaper I changed!  I felt like I waited so long to be a mama I embraced all the puking, pooping and sleepless nights! I remember praying to God for a life filled with dirty socks, smudged windows from finger prints and stinky diapers!  Oh my gosh did He ever deliver and I praise Him for that!

I am grateful for infertility because I have been given the opportunity to cry with, talk with and support other women who have or are struggling with infertility.  I know the freedom I felt once I met another woman who understood my pain.  Crying in her arms and looking into her eyes brought such great comfort.  Infertility parallels grief in so many ways. Grief is a process and cycles through so many emotions.  I love being able to partner with others out there and let them know there is hope!

So infertility to you I say ....   I by no means have forgotten the many nights of me crying myself to sleep in my pillow, or struggling with everyone elses pregnancy annoucement, or being devasted each month as I was reminded I was not pregnant,  or the endless questions from people if I was pregnant, didn’t I want to be pregnant or did I know how to get pregnant?!?!  I have not forgotten the struggle of walking around stores seeing young teenage girls pregnant and feeling angry inside.  I have not forgotten the struggle to go to church on Mother’s Day and aching inside and upset with God for not answering my desperate prayer request to be a mother.   I have not forgotten the inward war which I battled constantly in my mind!  I have not forgotten you!!!! 

 But I know now I gave you way too much power in my mind.  I allowed you to make me feel less of a person.... I allowed you to make me feel hopeless ... I allowed you to isolate me ....  I allowed you to distance me from my walk with God at times.  These things I regret the most! 

Infertility ... you were a mountain I did not see coming in the landscape of my life.  You were one of the biggest challenges I have faced.  Yet I made my way up your rugged terrain to find a glorious sight!  Without this mountain I would never have become a mommy to three absolutely amazing children!  While I first looked at you I saw defeat and a hopeless road.  But what you really were doing was developing my character, building my faith muscles and helping me become a stronger person which also has made me a more grateful human being!   

Infertility has strengthend my faith in a Mighty God and His timing.  He was with me every step of the way.  Many of those steps were painful, terrifying and difficult.  Yet He gave me a strength and determination I did not know I could have.  He Provided me in every circumstance with amazing people who loved us and joyfully took on heavy burdens to help us.  He Led and He Carried me, my husband and my sweet lil babies!

To you infertility ... I thank you ... you made it possible for me to be a mommy!!!  A mommy in a way I never imagined!